


The High Tech Resume Of The Future

by squeezedoutofmiracles



Category: My Brother My Brother and Me (Podcast), The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Mentions of Eye Horror, Reaper Squad, The Astral Plane, because... theyre reapers, death mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 14:43:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17510570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squeezedoutofmiracles/pseuds/squeezedoutofmiracles
Summary: “IfIhad been the first reaper you’d got, kinda been in Krav’s whole setup, you know? If I’d been your right hand gal, you wouldn’t have had to hire those two, right?”The Reaper Trio make a bet and it backfires on all three of them. Nothing like a little healthy workplace competition to spice up the afterlife!





	The High Tech Resume Of The Future

**Author's Note:**

> Based on My Brother, My Brother and Me Season 1 Episode 2; Resumes & Jamiroquai's Dad. If you're into TAZ but not MBMBAM this won't make an exceptional amount of sense but hopefully you can still enjoy the goofs.
> 
> Edited by @starmaid, on twitter and tumblr! Thank yew!

“I’m just saying, if I’d been The OG Reaper, Her Royal Momness wouldn’t have had to take on two more lackeys to pick up the slackey. That’s all I’m saying.”

Lup’s voice had drifted, light and gloating, through the ether, pinged something in the thinking space of the Raven Queen, and stuck there. Sometimes the words of Her reapers came to Her across space and time, through other dimensions, or just through the break room wall. It was often because the words were significant in ways she couldn’t yet comprehend.

Istus must have seen it coming and thought it funny not to let slip its significance. Raven could imagine Her, long white hair jostling as She giggled over Her knitting; a bright red flare in the yarn wove itself around Her and, with a snigger, She knitted it into existence. Fucker.

But Raven hadn’t seen it coming. Her speciality was endings, not beginnings, and She’d passed the comment off as simple gloating that Her emissaries of death would not be taking seriously, because they were immortal adults, and not _toddlers_.

However. She was to be proven far too optimistic.

There was a knock on the heavy black door that hung on the entrance to the throne room, and the Raven Queen snapped out of Her trance. She could feel the red aura of one of Her newer reapers outside, and She took on a more corporeal form with arms and legs and all those mortal accoutrements.

_Enter._

There was a pause and some whispering. Focusing, the Raven Queen noticed the cool dark aura of Her more established reaper, along with the distinctly blue aura of the other new hire, were also gathered outside. Yet they both hung further back.

Lup entered, grinning, putting too much effort into walking as if nothing was afoot.

“Hey, R.Q.”

_Greetings, Lup._

Silence for a moment. The Raven Queen tilted Her head slightly, looking at the reaper with unblinking eyes.

“How’s it goin’?” Lup said.

The Raven Queen tilted Her head the other way.

_Just fine. How is it going. With you?_

“I’m… I’m good, just doin’ a bit of reaping, you know? Just wrapped up that cult ring in Echo Gulf, the one that’s been...” Lup yawned casually and set a hand on her hip, the other going to her hair, and continued to walk closer. “The one that’s been bothering you for, like, a decade? Like, before I was hired, and Kravitz, you remember Kravitz-”

_I do remember Kravitz._

“Yeah, it really kind of _stumped him_ , huh? Like, he had that shit on his ledger, pardon my Fántàsy Frénch, for like, ten whole years, and couldn’t crack it?” As Lup spoke, Raven could feel Her oldest reaper’s deep aura glowing more hotly from just outside the door. “Crushed it.”

The Goddess of Death stared.

_Should I organise. A gift basket?_

“No, no, it’s cool, all cool, just doin’ my job, y’know? Just doin’ the job, super fuckin’ good.”

_Do you have a point?_

“Oh yeah, for sure, I get it, you’re a busy lady, totally on that grind, I respect that-”

_Six more souls have crossed into the Middle Place since you began talking, I would like to attend to them._

“And I totally respect that, I’m not here to waste your time. I just want to settle something, for some peace of mind, you know? So. If, hypothetically, in a totally hypothetical situation...” Lup was gesticulating too much, betraying her nerves. “If _I_ had been the first reaper you’d got, kinda been in Krav’s whole setup, you know? If I’d been your right hand gal, you wouldn’t have had to hire those two, right?”

The atmosphere seemed to grow thicker.

“Because, well, that backlog Krav sort of let fester, I’m totally smashing that, just _destroying_ those old fuckers.”

_If you had been my first reaper, would these little rhetorics have become commonplace?_

“I meeeeaaaaaaan maybe? Are you liking it? I’m _loving_ it. Love talking to you ma’am, milady, all that stuff, some girl time. Loving your form today B-T-Dubs, just loving the whole floating raven skull thing you got going on. Just two girls throwing out hypothetical situations-”

_You may invite your coworkers in._

Lup froze mid sentence, her fingers paused in her hair, looking up to her boss.

“My, uh, coworkers?”

_Yes. From just outside the door. Where they are standing._

The Raven Queen extended an arm curling with black mist.

_You may invite them in._

Lup paused again, and glanced back at the door.

“Oh, out there? Are they out there?”

_Yes. They are._

Raven cast Her influence out a little further, past where Her arm reached. The doors flew open again. Barry Bluejeans was standing there, knees bent and ear turned to the spot where the door had once been.

_You may **both** enter._

Raven cast a skeletal hand to the spot next to where Lup stood. Barry cleared his throat, shuffled a little closer, and then walked obediently across the carpeted hallway to stand by Lup’s side with his head stooped.

Kravitz took a second longer to emerge from the shadows, but did so with a sweep of his cloak, looking rather like a dog does when it is found sniffing something it isn’t supposed to.

_I suppose this is what happens. When you have too much free time on your hands._

The reapers looked to each other, and the Raven Queen allowed the silence to hang over their heads.

_I suppose this is what happens. When there are more reapers than there is work to keep them busy. You squabble like children. You are emissaries of death, you see my will be done, you keep the balance of life and death in check so the realms can function as they are designed, and you think I have the time or inclination to pick_ favourites?

There was a quiet that flowed like syrup, sticky over their whole forms and prickling down their spines.

_I do suppose you have raised a fair point._

Raven lifted a wholly unnecessary spectral hand, and investigated the talons She’d manifested.

_It is not your fault you get bored. And distracted. There are simply too many of you. We cannot create more work._

Kravitz’s eyes widened as he fought to keep a straight face.

_One reaper worked just perfectly for years. You shall all reapply for the position. The other two shall return to the soft, comfortable life of the mortal coil, unemployed, unimportant, and weather your time-out until you learn not to_ question _my_ judgement.

Kravitz manufactured a thought, considered voicing it, and reconsidered all in a split second.

Barry didn’t know her so well.

“With all due respect, your majesty, the workload is too much for one-”

Her eyes burned with a heat that mortal flames could only hope to aspire to. Barry Bluejeans shut his mouth with a snap, and adjusted his glasses.

_Am I understood?_

“Perfectly, your highness,” Kravitz said, with a slight bend at the waist.

_Then you are dismissed._

They vacated the throne room with uncharacteristic haste, and the Raven Queen allowed Her form to dissipate again, returning to Her state of total focus as She permitted souls to pass into the space beyond life.

She giggled to herself, softly, when the door shut behind her reapers.

—

It was incredible how much the amount of souls reaped amped up after the Raven Queen threw down the spectral gauntlet. Mostly easy pickings, yet newer bounties were picked off the roster as soon as they flickered onto it, some gone within minutes after a clatter and the snapping of dimension-hopping from within the eternal stockade. Quotas for the week were smashed and, once, with a heaving of infernal energy, a bounty of fifty souls was hauled screaming through the throne room as the most direct route to the second life.

Raven let her reapers fret a little before announcing the date She would hear their applications.

\--

Kravitz was the first to be interviewed. He was wearing a tie, which wasn’t unusual, though She recognised it as his business tie. It was held in place by a pin with a glinting silver feather-shaped charm at the helm.

He was carrying an unreasonably large scroll of paper.

“Your majesty,” he said.

_Kravitz._

“I apologise for my coworkers lapse in judgement. However, I assume you are already secure in your decision to hire me, and this is merely a formality.”

He let the scroll hit the floor, and it rolled away, trundling across Her highly polished throne room.

“My curriculum vitae, Madame.” He held the top edge out towards Her with a low bow.

She summoned it with a flick of Her wrist. It spooled up towards Her, flattening out obediently a few feet from Her face, the neatly scribed letters obvious against creamy parchment. It had been written with a raven’s quill that She had personally gifted to him on the hundredth anniversary of his employment.

_Kravitz. Jobs. Reaper for Raven Queen Limited, 10,960- present, Employee of the month 12,969 months in a row, recognition for exceptional achievement, record number of soul possessions per annum, reliable and steadfast, please contact reference at- These are my contact details._

The scroll shuffled over the floor as She curled the top back to read the next line.

_Cashier at Fantasy Costco. 12th month of 11,748 - 12th month of 11,748._  
Cashier at Fantasy Costco a second time. 12th month of 11,748 - 12th month of 11,748.  
Florist in Goldcliffe, name omitted. 12th month of 11,748 - 12th month of 11,748.  
Intern Banker at Goldcliffe Trust. 12th month of 11,748 - 12th month of 11,748.  
Secretary at the Bureau of Balance. 12th month of 11,748 - 12th month of 11,748.  
Deputy Head of Security at Goldcliffe Trust. 12th month of 11,748 - 12th month of 11,748.  
Ordained Minister at Church of Pan. 12th month of 11,748 - 12th month of 11,748.  
Deputy Prince. 11:51, 30th night of 12th month of 11,748 - 11:52, 30th night of 12th month of 11,748.  
Keeper of Her Lady Istus’ needles. 12th month of 11,748 - 12th month of 11,748.  
Lecturer at Taako’s School Of Wizardry, Candrips, And Other Magic(tmtmtm). 12th month of 11,748 - 12th month of 11,748.

The font steadily got bigger, as Kravitz realised he had overestimated the quantity of his qualifications.

[img description: CAN REAP TWO SOULS PER DIEM, with each word getting larger]

  
_And this final section. Is redeemable for-_

“For 15% off at Fantasy Costco, yes,” Kravitz said, as the Raven Queen tore off the bottom of his resume with a flick of her wrist and drew it closer, squinting her vestigial eyes at the fine print.

_On selected items. Not to be used in conjunction with other offers. What did you barter for this, Kravitz?_

She turned Her many eyes on him, and he shifted under Her gaze.

“Nothing consequential.”

She gazed harder.

“...just a favour.”

Her gaze turned concrete, and he snapped under the weight of it.

“...I promised the warlock an exemption, but just a small one-”

_Get out._

\--

Barry J Bluejeans was next. And he came in with his resume in both of his hands, fingertips pinching the very edges of it. He was smiling very widely to himself, glasses gleaming.

_Bluejeans._

He was already on the approach, and he made his way up the steps without being beckoned. He was wearing his pale denim jacket.

_Yes, of course, you may approach._

Her voice was cool, crisp, and dry as summer shade as he eagerly took the last steps up to Her infernal throne and held out his resume, a crisp side of A4 parchment, and extended it expectantly.

She took a moment then reached out and took it in one freshly-conjured hand.

It stuck.

_Oh._

She shook Her hand slightly, yet still it stuck. With a blink Her hand turned incorporea. The paper drifted through it and, wrinkled unattractively, stuck itself quite firmly to the surface of Her ebony desk instead.

Barry cleared his throat.

“It’s a metaphor,” he said.

_A metaphor?_

“Yes. For how I stick to a job until it’s completed.”

_And my desk?_

“To, uh. Remember me by. Once I’m your primary reaper we’ll look back on this and laugh, the day I smashed the interview and got hired-”

_Oh. You think this is going. Well?_

She inclined Her head until it was twisted almost horizontal, and Barry froze, swallowing hard.

_You may leave._

\--

Lup entered in a plume of fire, one flame-slicked boot punting open the heavy oak doors, wearing an abominable jacket.

“HEY R.Q. HAVE I GOT SOME SHIT FOR YOU!” She grinned ear to ear, eyes ablaze.

The Raven Queen gripped the arms of Her throne a little tighter, more eyes blossoming on Her cheeks as Lup crossed the throne room in strides that seemed to eat up the air between them, grin blazing across her face as she slung a long heavy metal box down onto the desk, scratching the wood irreparably over the parchment that Barry had left there, fused with the very fibres of it.

The box lit up in a flaming sort of way, and Lup’s eyes were brighter than Raven had ever seen them.

“I’d like to present you with the high-tech resume of the future!” Lup said, slapping the box so hard the desk wobbled and the flames inside the box spat. “It represents how I hope to, uh.” She glanced down to her palm, to some words snuck in there. “To modernise the workplace. And embrace magical advancements. Yeah!”

The flames inside the box formed into words.

[img description: LUP IS]

She struck a pose, pointing to herself with two thumbs and grinning.

[img description: HUNGRY FOR RESPONSIBILITY.]

_Excellent._  The Raven Queen said, as Lup pointed to Her in a move brimming with charisma and charm. _That’s. Great._

[img description: HORNY FOR TEAMWORK.]

Lup nodded, still grinning, as the Raven Queen raised three of Her six eyebrows.

[img description: AND READY TO  **BUST A NUT** UP IN THIS JOB]

_This is very sexual._

[img description: RELEVANT SKILLS: EIGHT FOOT VERTICAL LEAP]

_That is very impressive, I assume. The living of today do love basketed balls._

[img description:YOUNG, DUMB, AND FULL OF... you know ;) ]

The other three eyebrows went up, and Lup pulled off a perfectly choreographed wink, while miming a shush, one hand on her hip as she leaned forward cinematically.

[img description: OH SHIT! THIS THING HAS OTHER COLOURS! Written in a different glowing font.]

_An innovator too. Sort of… figuring it out on the job._.

[img description: THANKS FOR YOUR TIME]

[img description: I LOVE YOU]

_I see._

_You may leave._

\--

Once more the Raven Queen let them stew in their poor decisions, and in the hours that followed the interviews there were a remarkable number of souls reaped. They went for large bounties and executed them viciously. It was the most efficient they had been for a long while.

It took them three nights to work up the courage to go and bother Her. The knock on the throne room door called Her back to a corporeal presence, which She filtered into and called out to them.

_Enter. All of you._

It took them a moment to gather themselves and stride in. Kravitz made a notable effort to encourage his cloak to billow as he walked, and Lup lengthened her strides a little to leave the other two for dust. Barry had had a haircut.

“Your majesty,” Kravitz said, the first to speak, before he had fully reached the foot of her throne. She blinked slowly, eyes finishing their formation and rolling forwards in Her new head as She focused on him. “I trust you are well?”

_I am eternal._

“Indeed.” He nodded solemnly. “We were all wondering. If you had been given time to… consider our various applications. And if action was going to be taken.”

She breathed slow, sighing with ancient lungs and ruffling their hair with the depth of it.

_I govern the world of the dead. All those who have ever drawn breath._

Kravitz looked noticeably uncomfortable.

_My domain is as endless and vast as time Herself, and you ask if I have had the-_

“We just wondered-”

_If I have had the TIME to CONSIDER your QUARREL._

Lup was the only one who did not avert her eyes. She smirked, and the Raven Queen cocked Her head to her.

_I have._

They perked up. Barry looked up from his feet, and Kravitz’s ears pricked.

_And I have found you. Lacking._

The atmosphere in the room could have frozen over, could have been shattered with a wayward skimming stone.

_Wanting. Dissatisfying. Unfit. For Purpose._

Somewhere in another plane Istus overheard and smirked to Herself. The Raven Queen was having fun.

_In fact! I have drafted in help. From another source._

She conjured a curling piece of parchment from nowhere. It melted effortlessly around a taloned hand and Her eyes twisted in Her head as She considered it.

_He has been hailed as a scholar. As a visionary. I hope he may bring initiative to the role, bring some form of… spice._

She summoned glasses from nowhere, too, and balanced them on Her nose that She grew specifically for the purpose.

_He has been named 30 under 130 media luminary. He has his own business, experience handling large groups of people, public speaking, and is a powerful fighter. He has saved the world before. Several. Times._

Kravitz had gone ashen, and Lup’s mouth was agog.

The Raven Queen snapped Her fingers, and _he_ appeared in a gorgeous plume of dark crimson smoke, the brim of his hat fluttering and his red cloak shimmering on an unseen breeze.

_Taako Taaco, welcome to the team. You will be replacing your new coworkers until they learn the core tenets of our work, such as modesty, gratitude, patience, indomitable-_

“TAAKO’S SCHOOL OF WIZARDRY, CANTRIPS, AND OTHER MAGIC, HAS GONE MULTI-PLANAR!” Taako decreed with a sweep of his arm, beaming and shooting a devastating grin at Lup.

_You three will be assisting Taako, making his integration into the team smooth and painless. Immortality privileges have been revoked while you go back onto probation._

The Raven Queen smirked as Kravitz felt his heart kick into gear again and wheezed, clutching his chest. Taako beamed at him, enjoying the astral breezes that fluttered to his whim, brushing through his hair just barely. The next week would be a fun adjustment, She thought. Enough to get them to work together more quietly. And just long enough for Taako to get bored.

_Any complaints, please speak to Brad from HR. Have a pleasant day._


End file.
